I have a stammer

Something I have never really talked about on here or social media is my personal struggle with having a stammer. Ever since I can remember I’ve always had a stammer and I’ve never really talked openly about how it affects me but I feel like now is a good time. I feel like this is a really important subject and a lot of people will be able to relate, I have noticed YouTube videos and blog posts but there’s not a massive lot. Hopefully this will help more people who have a stammer know they aren’t alone because I know I have my days where I get frustrated and can’t talk to anyone I know because they just won’t get it but if you have a stammer and fancy talking to someone, please feel free to send me a message via any of my social media.

stammer

So, what causes a stutter?

This question I have thought about a lot of times and there’s not really an answer. There has been a lot of research done on the subject but people still don’t know the exact answer because there’s so many different things that can cause it so there’s no one specific cause for it.

Some of you may but most of you won’t know I’ve had a stammer since a young age. Growing up I never really noticed it as when I was younger I was very shy and never talked a lot but when I started primary school aged 5 that’s when I started to come out of my shell a little more and that’s when I started to notice my stammer. My childhood was amazing but tough for me to get through, there were so many times I would get upset. When I did want to become outgoing my stutter always held me back, I hid myself away and blocked myself out which now I kind of regret but at the time there was no way I could of put myself in those situations. 

My stammer is a little different as I only stammer on certain words that begin with certain letters. I stutter on all the vowels except U (I don’t know why) which I know is only a few letters but think about how many words in each letter.. There’s a lot. I mostly only stutter when I’m nervous or meeting new people or when I have to make phone calls which is a massive thing for me to do as I also have anxiety so answering or making a phone call is a big NO NO especially if I have to spell something out or give an number, although I am getting better and breathing makes a huge difference. I find it so upsetting and get so angry with myself when I can’t say a word or number but I know it can’t be helped and I can’t let it rule my life or I wouldn’t walk out of the house every single day and live my life. Stuttering feels like you have a bunch of air inside you that you can’t push out if that makes sense, it’s so horrible to not be able to say certain words without a stutter. Most of the side effects are in the brain so depression and anxiety. Loneliness is another one as with a speech impediment I find it super hard to make friends, I get so nervous around new people so I just don’t say a lot which makes people think I’m rude because I don’t speak to them but that’s not the case I just physically can’t.

Let me talk to you about high school. High school was difficult for me, probably one of the hardest moments of my life because of my stammer. I didn’t get bullied but I did have some people take the mick out of my speech. At such a young age dealing with something like that it was hard and I didn’t really have anywhere to turn. Obviously my mom and sister knew about everything and they was amazing at the time but going into school every single day not knowing what was going to happen scared me. I was probably at my worst through high school with my stammer but I didn’t let it stop me join in with the school productions and it didn’t affect my school work either, I didn’t let it. There were many times in English class that we would have to read aloud from a book that we would eventually write about but they were the worst days. On the morning’s of school when I knew we were reading in English I would cry my eyes out and make every excuse possible to not go in as I knew I would have to read aloud to the class. Even though it scared me to death I did read aloud and even though I did stutter on certain words which I felt embarrassed about I still did it. Presentations at school were again a massive thing for me to get through but I had such a lovely group of friends who were so supportive. I didn’t realise how much my metal health suffered while I was at school until I became older, I definitely think things need to change in regards to mental health in schools as it’s not talked about enough.

Flatlay - Stammer

I have missed out on a few opportunities in the past because of how I think people will react when I speak and can’t get my words out and honestly I wish I could go back and take those opportunities but now I know looking into the future I won’t be afraid to take that job interview or that phone call or that speaking event because I know I can do it. Even though I know I will be super nervous and I will stutter on certain words I don’t want to look back on my life thinking I missed out on that because of my stammer.

Here’s a little story.. I was at work one day and a man asked me a question and for some reason I was super nervous and with a stammer it gets worse when you are nervous. I was at the end of answering his question and I physically couldn’t get the last word out. He kept saying what? what? but I just couldn’t answer him so he just walked away and just muttered some words to himself.. I felt like a failure. I remembered I kept apologizing to him that I couldn’t get the word out but he just didn’t care. 

I think the best word to describe having a stutter is mortifying because imagine having a conversation with someone and the word you are trying to say won’t come out so you have to stay quiet or get someone else to finish the conversation. Honestly it’s so mortifying. I obviously still struggle with my stammer but it doesn’t define who I am. Sometimes I feel like my voice isn’t important and it just takes me a little longer to say what I want to say but there’s often times when I’m not given that opportunity.. I just want to say please be considerate if you come across someone with a stutter, we need time and support. My best advice with how to deal with having a stammer is to just breathe. If you are struggling with a sentence or you know there’s a word coming up you know you are going to struggle with, stop and take a deep breath. It helps trust me.

Love Samba

x

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26 Comments

  1. May 3, 2018 / 7:56 pm

    It’s so nice to see someone openly talk about their stammer, especially since it’s not something you would see a lot of really. I mean… I went to school with a guy who had a stammer and I can always remember being patient with him. I refused to finish his sentences, because I didn’t want to embarrass him – it was something we regularly talked about and he told me that it made him feel incredible awkward when people did. I can’t imagine what it’s like to feel tongue-twisted all the time, but it’s so intriguing to read from your perspective and your experience. I don’t think anyone should be ashamed of what makes them different, what makes them who they are x

    http://www.sheintheknow.co.uk

    • May 15, 2018 / 2:48 pm

      Thank you! People don’t talk about it enough so I wanted to share my story to hopefully help people who are struggling 💕 That’s so lovely of you to support your friend, I think that’s the most important thing, support is sometimes all we need xo

  2. May 4, 2018 / 7:50 am

    I love this post as I also have quite a bad stammer. I struggle mostly with b’s and p’s – great when your surname begins with a b 😂 but I agree with you completely, it’s so mortifying! My receptionist jobs have helped a lot with phone calls but I still get people saying ‘did you forget what you were going to say?’ Or they laugh at me down the phone and it really hurts. It’s something that’s rarely talked about and I have no idea where mine comes from or what causes it! So happy that you spoke so openly about it, proud of you! Xx

    • May 15, 2018 / 2:52 pm

      Ahhh, no way 😭 I haven’t had a job where I have had to answer the phone a lot but with the job I’m I now I do have to phone people up but I always have to decided what I’m going to say before I call, it kind of makes it a little easier. I hate that people don’t understand! Thank you so so much lovely, I’m always here to talk 💕 xo

  3. May 8, 2018 / 7:26 pm

    Love that this is being spoken about in such an open way, not really seen any bloggers speak about this x

  4. May 8, 2018 / 7:50 pm

    I love that you’ve been brave enough to talk about this for others who may be experiencing the same things as you! I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you, I hate talking on the phone at the best of times! I watched that programme before about people with a stammer where they had to go and talk to people in London and it made me cry I really wanted them all to do well and it was heart warming to see how many genuinely nice people there are who were patient with them I wish everyone could be like that for you! I’m so glad that you’re finding ways to make it a little better and you aren’t letting it stop you grabbing hold of any opportunities that may come around for you!

    Jess // foundationsandfairytales.wordpress.com
    xx

    • May 15, 2018 / 2:59 pm

      Thank you so much! It’s definitely hard some times and my mental health does suffer for it but I don’t let it get me down. I watched that programme as well, they were so brave and I so wish people were the same, I hate that they aren’t patient enough for me to finish a sentence xo

  5. May 8, 2018 / 7:54 pm

    This is so brave and so refreshing, someone taking something they cant fully control and speaking out about it! This truly gives people more of an awareness! Thank you so much for sharing, it proved a super interesting read!!
    Neve | http://lifewithneve.com

  6. May 8, 2018 / 8:09 pm

    This is a really brave and helpful post Samba 💖. It’s great you are talking openly about your experiences and I’m sure this post will help others who are in a similar situation. I felt really sad when I read how insensitive people can be, especially the man at work. Well done for not letting this define you, you are such an inspiration! 😘 xx

    Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com

    • May 15, 2018 / 3:05 pm

      Thank you so much for reading, Bexa! I just hope more people will reach out or talk about having a stammer as it’s definitely a touchy subject. The more people who speak out about it the better 💕 This means so much xo

  7. May 8, 2018 / 8:46 pm

    I actually haven’t read many people come forward about this so it is so nice to read something like this. I’m so glad you’ve wrote about it because it could definitely encourage others to feel at ease and someone reading this may be inspired to speak out about it more. It’s definitely something that isn’t spoken about a lot so you should be incredibly proud of yourself. GO YOU!

    • May 15, 2018 / 3:02 pm

      That’s exactly why I wanted to write about it, there’s just not enough awareness and sometimes I feel like people don’t realise just how hard it is for someone with a stammer. Hopefully people will understand a little more now ✨ Thank you SO much! xo

  8. May 8, 2018 / 9:13 pm

    Wonderful post! It’s awesome that you’re putting yourself out there. I know a small portion of the struggle. I have a very minor stammer when I can say specific words. It can be embarrassing but I find that the people who actually matter don’t care and will be patent.
    Menna x
    mennarachel.com

    • May 15, 2018 / 3:07 pm

      It’s hard isn’t it?! Oh definitely. Strangers aren’t going to get it but it would be nice if they were a little more patient although as you say the people who actually matter are so supportive xo

  9. May 8, 2018 / 10:25 pm

    i love that you have the courage to talk about such a personal struggle. you are completely right! your stammer does not control your life nor does it define you! I can totally relate to having trouble making phone calls due to anxiety. I struggled with that my whole life, i would sound shaky and couldn’t call while being anywhere NEAR people. It wasn’t until recently with being on medication and having to call a lot of people at work that i started to get better at talking on the phone. wonderfully written post, thank you for sharing your story ❤️

    • May 15, 2018 / 4:14 pm

      Thank you so much! Even though I do struggle with it, it never going define me. Phone calls just stress me out so much, I would much rather just send an email! I’m the same with not talking while near people, I have to walk away 🙈 xo

  10. ruthinrevolt
    May 11, 2018 / 7:50 pm

    Aww, lovely! Well done for sharing this. I agree with what others have said – it’s not something you see a lot of discussion about, so I’m sure this will be helpful to anyone who is in a similar situation. It must be very difficult for you but I’m so glad to hear that you’re not letting it define you. You should be really proud of yourself.

    Ruth | http://www.ruthinrevolt.com

  11. May 16, 2018 / 1:34 am

    I actually didn’t know that you had a stammer, and I think that this was an extremely brave post for you to write. This was extremely insightful for someone who has never experienced something like this, but at the same time I think this post is going to help loads of people who are struggling with this. Great post Sam xxx

    Melina | http://www.melinaelisa.com

    • May 16, 2018 / 3:34 pm

      It’s something I don’t like to talk about a lot but I thought it’s such a big thing in my life so I wanted to share. Thank you lovely! xo

  12. May 16, 2018 / 4:59 pm

    great post and much needed. People have to know they are not alone and I think this is a major positive about blogging and people sharing.

  13. June 7, 2018 / 3:44 pm

    This genuinely breaks my heart I know so well how this feels, I’m sure we have different experiences with it but doesnt make it any less difficult. add to this hearing impairments and dyslexia. its extremely difficult and get extremely annoyed with myself, I have improved small amounts. but I always get anxious when I get asked to read something out loud in home group even though I know they are extremely supportive of me

  14. July 9, 2018 / 10:07 am

    This is such a wonderful and inspiring post, you should be really proud of this lovely! I know the struggle as growing up I had a stammer as a result of going deaf as a child – it’s all sorted now though but I can understand the difficulty sometimes and as you say it’s a thing which no one really talks about too. Hopefully you find more people who can relate but I’m always here if you need / want a chat. Imogen xx

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