I didn’t think I’d be writing this but at the moment I’m struggling. I didn’t think life after cancer would be this hard. I didn’t suffer with a mental illness before cancer but now I live with one every single day. I don’t really know where this blog post will be taken, I’ll probably just ramble on with everything I’m struggling with right now..
For the last couple of months I’ve not felt right as I have just felt so overwhelmed with everything that’s happening in my life right now and it’s not okay, I’ve not been taking time out for myself as I’ve just been too busy and my mental health had suffered massively.
On Saturday 30th June I celebrated being 3 years cancer free, unfortunately I was working that day but I went out on following Tuesday with my family to Trentham Estate in Stoke which is well worth a visit! (The photo’s in this post were took on that day). It was such a lovely day which I really enjoyed. I took my camera out and I couldn’t stop taking photo’s of the beautiful flowers and landscape.
On Wednesday last week I had my 6 monthly check up and I honestly wasn’t too bothered about going, I’m normally shaking and nervous before but I wasn’t. I went in for my blood test then went into see my consultant although not my normal one as she’s on maternity leave but after him checking my blood results and then checking my neck and underarms for any lumps it’s was all fine. I was so relieved to hear everything was still good. I don’t have anymore hospital appointments booked for this year although this might change but for now I won’t have to step foot in another hospital until next year and this makes me very happy.
On Thursday last week I broke down over one stupid thing but it had obviously been coming for a while but that one thing pushed me over the edge. I started crying that day and I didn’t want to stop, I even wanted to self harm. I had to stop those thoughts though because we were visiting family a couple of hours later, I went but everything they were saying went in one ear and out the other. I didn’t want to be there, I just wanted to be at home in bed crying my eyes out.
Why am I struggling?
Do you know when I said I’d got the running bug after finishing the Great Birmingham 10K that I ran on the 2nd April.. Well I haven’t been to the gym or gone for a run since then, I feel like such a failure letting all the hard work I put in go to waste and now I can’t seem to push myself to get back to it. With the weather we are having right now in the UK it’s seems like the perfect time to start back but I can’t seem to take that one step out the door to start. Anxiety won’t let me. Exercise helps my mental health a lot so I have just got to push myself past this mental barrier and just go for it.
I don’t know wether I’ve actually shared this on here but I’m now officially self employed with my blog as well as still working in retail. After all the stress I’m so happy I’ve made such a massive step. I lot of people have asked me quite a few questions about going self employed so I’m in the process of writing a massive guide about it all. I think I got so annoyed about all the information that I had to fill in online as I didn’t have a clue what I was doing that I stressed myself out about it a lot and wasn’t sleeping because of it so I really hope my guide is going to be helpful if you are thinking about going self employed! Now I can’t wait to find more opportunities for my blog and grow it to where I want it to be.
Most of my family know about my blog which I don’t mind at all. My mom is amazing and gets that I have spend time writing posts, taking photo’s and replying to emails etc. Oh and when we were at Trentham Gardens she found a bench and said to me “Sam, will you take a photo of me on the bench looking away like you do” I honestly couldn’t stop laughing. My mom is probably the only person in my life who GET’S IT apart from other bloggers, obviously. I thought my sister would be supportive but she isn’t, she thinks I’m lazy for being on my phone and laptop most of the time but I’m actually working. It’s hard to keep positive when you live with someone so negative and now I’ve gone self employed with my blog it’s something that gets me down. I would love to take my blog full time at some point in the future but it scares me.
Another thing which I think I’ve mentioned on here before is about having children. Now that I’m getting older I think about it a lot more, probably everyday and seeing my friends announcing they are pregnant and having children kills me a little inside. My cousin and his girlfriend recently had a baby and I went to her baby shower, I kept thinking while I was there will I ever have a baby shower? Will I ever be able to buy cute little baby clothes for my own baby?. I love seeing my family and friends having babies don’t get me wrong but I have a little breakdown every time. I cry my eyes out not knowing what will happen when I come to have my own and wether I’ll even be able to carry a baby and have my own little bump. This is something I’m really struggling with right now.
As a cancer survivor and after having a stem cell transplant tiredness is a massive thing for me. I’m exhausted every single day, I don’t feel like I have loads of energy. I basically just have the energy I need to get through the day and most days I will have a nap. I saw a quote on Facebook the other day which is SO true.
“Don’t invalidate people’s struggles because you’ve been through worse. If someone is tired after working for 5 hours and you worked for 7, it doesn’t mean that they’re not allowed to be tired. It doesn’t mean they can’t feel what they’re feeling just because you’ve had it worse”.
I’m so over people trying to compete with who is more tired. I hate when I walk into work and might bring up in a conversation that I’m tired and then someone comments but you’ve only just got here. I’m sorry, but you don’t know my life and my struggles. I’m honestly so over it.
There is a couple of other things in my life which I’m not happy with but don’t feel like sharing on here right now although these are adding to why I’m struggling right now as well. This post may seem like a really long moan but I felt like I needed to write everything down somewhere to get it out of my head. I’m hoping I can find some sort of balance to my life soon and hopefully become a little happier.