Life update: I’m struggling

I didn’t think I’d be writing this but at the moment I’m struggling. I didn’t think life after cancer would be this hard. I didn’t suffer with a mental illness before cancer but now I live with one every single day. I don’t really know where this blog post will be taken, I’ll probably just ramble on with everything I’m struggling with right now..

For the last couple of months I’ve not felt right as I have just felt so overwhelmed with everything that’s happening in my life right now and it’s not okay, I’ve not been taking time out for myself as I’ve just been too busy and my mental health had suffered massively.

On Saturday 30th June I celebrated being 3 years cancer free, unfortunately I was working that day but I went out on following Tuesday with my family to Trentham Estate in Stoke which is well worth a visit! (The photo’s in this post were took on that day). It was such a lovely day which I really enjoyed. I took my camera out and I couldn’t stop taking photo’s of the beautiful flowers and landscape.

Trentham Gardens

On Wednesday last week I had my 6 monthly check up and I honestly wasn’t too bothered about going, I’m normally shaking and nervous before but I wasn’t. I went in for my blood test then went into see my consultant although not my normal one as she’s on maternity leave but after him checking my blood results and then checking my neck and underarms for any lumps it’s was all fine. I was so relieved to hear everything was still good. I don’t have anymore hospital appointments booked for this year although this might change but for now I won’t have to step foot in another hospital until next year and this makes me very happy.

On Thursday last week I broke down over one stupid thing but it had obviously been coming for a while but that one thing pushed me over the edge. I started crying that day and I didn’t want to stop, I even wanted to self harm. I had to stop those thoughts though because we were visiting family a couple of hours later, I went but everything they were saying went in one ear and out the other. I didn’t want to be there, I just wanted to be at home in bed crying my eyes out.

Why am I struggling?

Do you know when I said I’d got the running bug after finishing the Great Birmingham 10K that I ran on the 2nd April.. Well I haven’t been to the gym or gone for a run since then, I feel like such a failure letting all the hard work I put in go to waste and now I can’t seem to push myself to get back to it. With the weather we are having right now in the UK it’s seems like the perfect time to start back but I can’t seem to take that one step out the door to start. Anxiety won’t let me. Exercise helps my mental health a lot so I have just got to push myself past this mental barrier and just go for it. 

I don’t know wether I’ve actually shared this on here but I’m now officially self employed with my blog as well as still working in retail. After all the stress I’m so happy I’ve made such a massive step. I lot of people have asked me quite a few questions about going self employed so I’m in the process of writing a massive guide about it all. I think I got so annoyed about all the information that I had to fill in online as I didn’t have a clue what I was doing that I stressed myself out about it a lot and wasn’t sleeping because of it so I really hope my guide is going to be helpful if you are thinking about going self employed! Now I can’t wait to find more opportunities for my blog and grow it to where I want it to be.

Most of my family know about my blog which I don’t mind at all. My mom is amazing and gets that I have spend time writing posts, taking photo’s and replying to emails etc. Oh and when we were at Trentham Gardens she found a bench and said to me “Sam, will you take a photo of me on the bench looking away like you do” I honestly couldn’t stop laughing. My mom is probably the only person in my life who GET’S IT apart from other bloggers, obviously. I thought my sister would be supportive but she isn’t, she thinks I’m lazy for being on my phone and laptop most of the time but I’m actually working. It’s hard to keep positive when you live with someone so negative and now I’ve gone self employed with my blog it’s something that gets me down. I would love to take my blog full time at some point in the future but it scares me.

Trentham Gardens

Another thing which I think I’ve mentioned on here before is about having children. Now that I’m getting older I think about it a lot more, probably everyday and seeing my friends announcing they are pregnant and having children kills me a little inside. My cousin and his girlfriend recently had a baby and I went to her baby shower, I kept thinking while I was there will I ever have a baby shower? Will I ever be able to buy cute little baby clothes for my own baby?. I love seeing my family and friends having babies don’t get me wrong but I have a little breakdown every time. I cry my eyes out not knowing what will happen when I come to have my own and wether I’ll even be able to carry a baby and have my own little bump. This is something I’m really struggling with right now.

As a cancer survivor and after having a stem cell transplant tiredness is a massive thing for me. I’m exhausted every single day, I don’t feel like I have loads of energy. I basically just have the energy I need to get through the day and most days I will have a nap. I saw a quote on Facebook the other day which is SO true.

“Don’t invalidate people’s struggles because you’ve been through worse. If someone is tired after working for 5 hours and you worked for 7, it doesn’t mean that they’re not allowed to be tired. It doesn’t mean they can’t feel what they’re feeling just because you’ve had it worse”.

I’m so over people trying to compete with who is more tired. I hate when I walk into work and might bring up in a conversation that I’m tired and then someone comments but you’ve only just got here. I’m sorry, but you don’t know my life and my struggles. I’m honestly so over it.

There is a couple of other things in my life which I’m not happy with but don’t feel like sharing on here right now although these are adding to why I’m struggling right now as well. This post may seem like a really long moan but I felt like I needed to write everything down somewhere to get it out of my head. I’m hoping I can find some sort of balance to my life soon and hopefully become a little happier.

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16 Comments

  1. July 10, 2018 / 7:06 pm

    I’ve never read your blog before and I just want to say that I’m so happy that your Cancer free! It must be so hard to go through and then life just go back to normal. You will get there you have do great so far and I’m proud of you even though I don’t know you! Great post! Xx

  2. July 10, 2018 / 7:16 pm

    Sorry to read you are struggling at the moment Samantha. I hope things get better for you soon. Just wanted to say congratulations on going self-employed with your blog. That’s amazing! I wouldn’t even know where to start so would love to read your guide, I’m sure it will be so helpful 💖😘 xx

    Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com

    • July 22, 2018 / 10:02 am

      Thankfully they have a little, thank you Bexa! Ah, going self-employed was such a massive step for me but I’m so glad I’ve done it now. The guide is now live on my blog if you wanted to check it out, lovely! xo

  3. July 10, 2018 / 7:18 pm

    I’m not really sure what to write, but I didn’t want to read and run. It sounds as though a lot of things are getting you down, and while I have different things, I know how that feels when they all mount up. This hot weather has had the opposite effect with me and exercise – I was getting really regular and then felt bad because I hadn’t done much in the last couple of weeks. There’s nothing like the heat to drain your energy. I won’t try to give advice because I don’t know enough about your situation, but it’s ok to have a bad day or few days, and it’s ok to be honest about it. I hope you have some good people who can listen, bring something to cheer you up or help you out when things are getting tough.

  4. July 10, 2018 / 7:36 pm

    I hope you’re doing ok hun, if you ever need to talk just drop me a DM on Twitter or something I’d hate to think that you’re struggling and feel like you don’t have many people to talk to! Honestly don’t worry about not being able to get out and run in this weather, trust me it’s much easier to go in autumn/winter when it’s cooler than trying to run and being out of breath within half a mile, I haven’t been running since the heatwave first hit and while I feel guilty I know I wouldn’t be able to cope out there at the minute! It’s a shame your sister isn’t more supportive maybe if she knew how much hard work goes in to running your blog she’d understand a little more.

    Jess // foundationsandfairytales.wordpress.com
    xx

  5. July 10, 2018 / 7:38 pm

    first off let me say, God Bless being cancer free for so long. That’s such amazing news, hopefully it stays that way! secondly, i’m sorry you’re struggling. i can relate to it being hard to be motivated when you have negative people around. my family doesn’t know about the seriousness of my blog for just that reason. keep working towards your dream. I wrote a post myself today about how i’m feeling lost! best of luck on turning your blog into a full time gig!

    xoxo Mich
    Simplymich.com

  6. July 10, 2018 / 7:45 pm

    Sending all the love your way xx

  7. July 10, 2018 / 7:54 pm

    I honestly just want to give you a hug and tell you to stop being so hard on yourself! Even from just reading this post, it’s like I can feel you have been through so much. You honestly sound you are doing such a great job in life, going self-employed with your blog is amazing and you must work so hard to be able to do that! I’m so pleased for you with your news about your health and your mum sounds so cute. Also – people who work in offices sit at their computers all day and that’s not lazy so why is your job any different!? Sending you so much love and I really hope you are in a better place soon lovely.
    Alice Xx
    http://www.blacktulipbeauty.co.uk

  8. Lena Dee
    July 10, 2018 / 9:19 pm

    Woahhhh this post is mad real…I remember seeing your tweet that you’re 3 years cancer free and I think that’s an amazing milestone to meet! I honestly believe you’re very strong and handling this great even though you’re struggling now. I’m so sorry to hear this. We all have rough patches and I know you’ll overcome this soon. Don’t feel bad about not getting back to your running progress, give your body time and be determined and you’ll eventually get there. I’m sending you loads of love and well wishes. I hope you feel better soon! 😘💕

    xx Lena | https://lenadeexo.com

  9. July 10, 2018 / 9:20 pm

    I would just like to say congratulations on being a cancer survivor.. I know it was a rough road and maybe it still is but you are strong, beautiful and resilient.. Just remember to take it one day at a time, trouble doesn’t last always..💓💓

  10. July 10, 2018 / 10:08 pm

    I honestly wish you could send hugs through a screen. You’ve been through so much! I’m so sorry to hear you’re not doing so well right now. I hope you start to feel better again soon. Your mum sounds like the cutest! x

    Sophie
    http://www.glowsteady.co.uk

  11. itsrachelcatherine
    July 10, 2018 / 11:25 pm

    First off, Congrats on being 3 years cancer free. That is beyond words amazing!!

    Girl I relate to this so much.
    I’ve been through a difficult time recently as well with my mental health. My best advice to you, is when you feel overwhelmed, it can best to take some time for yourself. Even if that means, 3 days off social media, or whatever. Also, the sadness won’t last. There’s always a rainbow after the rain. <3 As cliche as that is, it's one thing I learned is true. x
    I have Hashimoto's so it makes me tired too! When I was at work I would say I'm tired, and everyone would do the same!! lol But of course, no one can really understand.
    Sending you all the love girl. I just want you to know that if you need, I'm here to chat.
    I always consider my online friends just as important as my real-life friends. <3
    All the love,
    Rachel, xoxo

  12. July 11, 2018 / 10:47 am

    Your honesty here has really touched my soul. Though I may not be able to offer empathy for what you have gone through, I am full of compassion, respect and love for your strength to put your thoughts into words. You may not realise it right now, but one day you will take a look back at this post and see just how far forward you have come. You have the greatest level of bravery and courage to continue through the most difficult of times, and you will shine even brighter for this experience you are going through now. I have every faith in you honey – always remember you are worth the fight x

  13. July 12, 2018 / 1:58 pm

    Loved reading your blog, i too suffer from mental illness and it is hard sometimes..!! I feel exhausted everyday most of the time, but we just need to push on. If you ever need to talk just let me know… IM HERE!

  14. July 14, 2018 / 8:47 am

    I have been trying to find the right words to reply to this post. I am so truly sorry that you were made to go through what you have been through. I know how hard life can be, and strong the grips of anxiety can feel. I know it might not feel like it, but you are so strong, so beautiful and so courageous. You really can achieve anything that you could wish for. I mean just look at your blog it is SO beautiful and you have a way with words so true and honest. I am so glad to have connected with you. <3 xxx

    http://www.graphicsbysoph.co.uk <3

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